ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
