My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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