I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
