she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
