please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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