Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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