That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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