nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
