Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He felt like a one man threesome
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize