i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
