I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
