this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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