everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
