My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
