Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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