I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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