my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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