she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I didn't notice because vodka
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
