My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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