She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
