I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
