I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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