all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize