she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We got so high we made milksteak
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
