kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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