My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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