Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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