She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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