his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
