But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
