the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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