I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
