i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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