How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
