I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
