No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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