I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
