I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
