Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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