Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
