Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
