Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
