She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
