Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
