i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
