Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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