Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
