As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
