Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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