I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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