Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
