remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
