Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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