we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Sober January is a disaster.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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