its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
