your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
